Horrified

I'm not sure how exactly to start off with what I'm trying to say here. Except that I'm a little bit horrified. Horrified seems to be the only word that comes to mind. Horrified. Horrified. Horrified. Horrified that I am admitting these things to the entire world. Embarrassed that I'm THIS big. Scared of dying. Of being smothered by my own body. Of being too big to even handle this lifesaving surgery and dying while I'm on the operating table. I'm scared I'll miss food, that I'll fail at even this extreme measure because every other died/pill/etc I've tried didn't work. I'm afraid of not having children or my husband not finding me attractive. Of missing more and more trips that I cannot take because I'm too big to get on an airplane. I'm scared I'll never be able to walk to the mailbox at the end of our street or go shopping again because my body is too worn out and I become too exhausted. I'm fearful of waking up every morning in pain because the arthritis I am fighting is so out of control. I'm horrified that my life could be cut incredibly short. Of my heart stopping under the stress of carrying my gigantic body around. Of never hearing my nieces utter their first words.

I'm 31. And I want to see 32.

I'm horrified.

But I'm ready to fight.