Before

Well, the husband won out. No tasteful nudes.

It was really hard to take this picture. I knew when I was posing that it was to show how fat I've gotten. The sad part is it doesn't really capture the truth. I was at a doctors appointment earlier in the week and learned if lost 21 pounds.

So this is an improvement.

Six days to go until surgery and I'm averaging three emotional outbursts a day. I cried at my desk today. Because my monitor looked blurry. True story.

December to Remember

Stomach virus? Check.

Eye infection? Check.

Surgery? Scheduled.

December, if you are trying to break me, then you are doing a superb job.

I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take, December. That virus you wielded out the first week of the month was INDESCRIBABLE. The sort of thing made from trips to Third World countries and swimming in the Amazon River. Didn't see that coming at all! Just WHAM! And then next think I know I'm shitting my pants.

Then a week later this:

Well played, December. Well played.

Dark place

I did not make it through one day without an emotional breakdown related to food.

Four protein, meal replacement shakes and three Jellos later I was twitching like a meth addict two dollars short of their next hit.

I went from positive thinking to GIVE ME A FUCKING SANDWICH faster than you can say "Slimfast."

At about 7 p.m. -- more than 14 hours into my day -- I broke down and ate a little bit of some leftovers.

Then I became guilt-ridden and vowed to make myself throw it up. That lasted for approximately 30 seconds. I couldn't do it. So I sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried. Thus ended The Worlds Shortest Bought of Anorexia Ever.

Now I'm being snuggled by a portly pug and am praying I sleep tonight. I might survive not having food, if I can beat the insomnia.

And Lord knows I'm going to need to be well rested for tomorrow's adventure: Attending the office Christmas party without eating or drinking.

And it begins

Today is the first day of my two-week cleanse. No carbs. No happiness. No problem?

I'm on protein shakes, sugar free jello, clear broths, and fluids, fluids, fluids!

As I type I'm waiting for my windshield to defrost. The ice is turning to slush, sliding away slowly, against it's will.

That's kind of I'm feeling on the inside right now. Like the physical properties are changing and I'm grasping to hold on.

Say Cheese!

Me: I think I'll do before and after pictures.

Huband: That's a great idea.

Me: Nudes!

Husband: Ummmm?

Me: You know, in the buff!

Husband: How about something more…

Me: Don't worry they'll be tasteful. You can take them.

Husband: I don't really feel comfortable with this…

Me: Okay, then I'll get Uncle James, professional photographer, to take them!

Husband: I'm not uncomfortable with taking them. I'm uncomfortable with you being naked in them! And NO Uncle James WILL NOT BE TAKING THEM.

Me: I don't think you're getting what my vision is.

Husband: Your vision is NAKED. I AM GETTING THAT.

Me: Nude, yes, but very artistic. Classy.

Husband: No.

Me: But…

Husband: No.

:: So blame the husband for my forthcoming BORING before photos. Hmpf. ::

Today is the day shit gets real

I took today off from work. I have a series of doctors appointments in preparation for the surgery: nutritionist, blood work, pre-op counseling, meeting with Super Surgeon.

I should be asleep right now. But I was awakened by a grouchy cat and full bladder. So here I am. Contemplating whether it would be wrong to have those last two chocolate covered strawberries for breakfast.

Kidding! Know it's wrong.

Fuck it, I've got mere days left before I'm protein shake drinking for a month. Plus, those strawberries ain't gone eat themselves.

Thanksgiving

It's the one day out of the year that binge eating is encouraged.

I inhaled food with my husband's family this year, all the while contemplating that THIS is the last holiday in which I will eat until I pass out.

What will next year be like? A bite here? A nibble there? Will everyone else notice that I'm eating off a saucer rather than a serving tray-sized plate?

I don't know. Maybe. Probably.

But I bet the chair won't squeak under my weight either. I won't have to sleep and shower down stairs because my arthritis is so crippling that I cannot climb the giant staircase.

Will I be able to do Black Friday shopping? Chase my niece and nephew around on the floor?

Yes. Yes, I will and that is a win.